Thursday, July 12, 2012
THE MESSAGE:
This is the section that I am going to give the most attention to. I cannot tell you how many potential matches I have passed over because the message they sent was a huge turn off. Let me first share a few of my own experiences. The biggest offender in poor message sending used to be any of the following or their derivatives:
“hey”; “hey wats up”; “hey ur rlly pretty wanna chat sometime.”
These are clearly a problem. They don’t show that you’ve read a single thing on my profile, or even know anything about me! I have written a fair amount on my profile, not for my health, but for you to decide if we are compatible. Sure, it’s nice to know that you find me attractive and that indicates that you’ve looked at my pictures. If you are looking to check out pictures of attractive ladies, try HotorNot. We want serious daters here.
You may have noticed that I said that used to be the biggest offender. Here is the brand spanking new biggest message offender from my personal experience: the cookie cutter message. What is this precisely? This is the message that you send to every single girl on here, copied and pasted repeatedly, usually a big paragraph selling yourself. They typically include some sort of lame pickup line, and a sentence at the end about messaging you back if she’s interested. Is this you? Here’s why you’re not getting anywhere with this message:
Similar to the last tip, this also shows no indication that you’re read my profile. We have explored why this is problematic. This message shows even LESS effort, because you couldn’t even bother to type one letter, but copied and pasted it. Equate this message to sending out the same cover letter and resume to 20 different companies you might be interested in and seeing which one will respond. Your potential employer probably can tell that your cover letter is generic and that you actually don’t find the company all that special. This is the same with your matches. We want to feel special, like you picked us out of a big sea of single ladies and thought “Man, she could be perfect for me.” Your generic, cookie cutter message says to us: “Here’s a big paragraph all about me, and why you should like me. You might find my lame pickup line funny, cause I think its hilarious. If you think everything you just read about me is as great as I do, message me back.” The worst part about this, is that if you DO receive a message back, the only thing she can say is to talk about you some more, because that is all you have given her to respond to. Even if you aren’t conceited, it will make you appear so.
Speaking of conceited, this brings me to my next blunder. I once received a message from a guy that went something like this:
“You are local to me, which is great. I really didn’t think my town had anything to offer. Your goals in life are great. More about me though…”
This was just a snippet, but I think you get the idea. This message was horrifyingly laughable. Instead of being engaging, asking questions, or anything genuine, this guy chose to list all the things about me that were convenient for him, and essentially said “Yeah, I’ll tell you I’m impressed by what you’re doing with your life, but what I really want to do is talk about me.” Don’t get this confused with talking yourself up by focusing on your positive assets. These are two different things.
The last thing I really want to address is spelling and grammar. Don’t sell yourself short! Typos and poor grammar makes you look careless and lazy, which I know you’re not. Would you want to watch a movie with actors who decided not to memorize their lines right, or listen to a song where the artist kept forgetting the words? Probably not. My point is that even if you really are a catch, if you present yourself poorly people aren’t going to take you seriously. Take the time to spell check and write proper sentences. I promise you, it can go a long way.
To sum it up, here are Tori’s Top 5 Tips for Successful Messaging:
1. Read his/her profile, and reference it in the first message.
2. Spell check, grammar check, no texting abbreviations!
3. Ask questions.
4. Forget the pickup lines and express genuine interest.
5. Rule of Thumb: If you wouldn’t say it in person, don’t say it online!
“hey”; “hey wats up”; “hey ur rlly pretty wanna chat sometime.”
These are clearly a problem. They don’t show that you’ve read a single thing on my profile, or even know anything about me! I have written a fair amount on my profile, not for my health, but for you to decide if we are compatible. Sure, it’s nice to know that you find me attractive and that indicates that you’ve looked at my pictures. If you are looking to check out pictures of attractive ladies, try HotorNot. We want serious daters here.
You may have noticed that I said that used to be the biggest offender. Here is the brand spanking new biggest message offender from my personal experience: the cookie cutter message. What is this precisely? This is the message that you send to every single girl on here, copied and pasted repeatedly, usually a big paragraph selling yourself. They typically include some sort of lame pickup line, and a sentence at the end about messaging you back if she’s interested. Is this you? Here’s why you’re not getting anywhere with this message:
Similar to the last tip, this also shows no indication that you’re read my profile. We have explored why this is problematic. This message shows even LESS effort, because you couldn’t even bother to type one letter, but copied and pasted it. Equate this message to sending out the same cover letter and resume to 20 different companies you might be interested in and seeing which one will respond. Your potential employer probably can tell that your cover letter is generic and that you actually don’t find the company all that special. This is the same with your matches. We want to feel special, like you picked us out of a big sea of single ladies and thought “Man, she could be perfect for me.” Your generic, cookie cutter message says to us: “Here’s a big paragraph all about me, and why you should like me. You might find my lame pickup line funny, cause I think its hilarious. If you think everything you just read about me is as great as I do, message me back.” The worst part about this, is that if you DO receive a message back, the only thing she can say is to talk about you some more, because that is all you have given her to respond to. Even if you aren’t conceited, it will make you appear so.
Speaking of conceited, this brings me to my next blunder. I once received a message from a guy that went something like this:
“You are local to me, which is great. I really didn’t think my town had anything to offer. Your goals in life are great. More about me though…”
This was just a snippet, but I think you get the idea. This message was horrifyingly laughable. Instead of being engaging, asking questions, or anything genuine, this guy chose to list all the things about me that were convenient for him, and essentially said “Yeah, I’ll tell you I’m impressed by what you’re doing with your life, but what I really want to do is talk about me.” Don’t get this confused with talking yourself up by focusing on your positive assets. These are two different things.
The last thing I really want to address is spelling and grammar. Don’t sell yourself short! Typos and poor grammar makes you look careless and lazy, which I know you’re not. Would you want to watch a movie with actors who decided not to memorize their lines right, or listen to a song where the artist kept forgetting the words? Probably not. My point is that even if you really are a catch, if you present yourself poorly people aren’t going to take you seriously. Take the time to spell check and write proper sentences. I promise you, it can go a long way.
To sum it up, here are Tori’s Top 5 Tips for Successful Messaging:
1. Read his/her profile, and reference it in the first message.
2. Spell check, grammar check, no texting abbreviations!
3. Ask questions.
4. Forget the pickup lines and express genuine interest.
5. Rule of Thumb: If you wouldn’t say it in person, don’t say it online!
0 Comments:
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My name is Tori, and I have been on and off online dating sites for years and have been fortunate to have relationships come from them. In those years, I am pretty confident that I have seen almost everything. Trust me. As a result, I have finally decided to create a help page for those of you who have yet to find success in online dating.
I am a psychology major, and plan to use my knowledge of social psychology and sociology to help you learn what people are looking for in a partner. In addition, I will call upon my own experience as a female and an experienced user of online dating sites to relate this back to real life. On this page, you will read some things that seem like common sense and some that might be new to you. I hope that all of these are helpful.
oktori's okcupid
e-mail oktori
My name is Tori, and I have been on and off online dating sites for years and have been fortunate to have relationships come from them. In those years, I am pretty confident that I have seen almost everything. Trust me. As a result, I have finally decided to create a help page for those of you who have yet to find success in online dating.
I am a psychology major, and plan to use my knowledge of social psychology and sociology to help you learn what people are looking for in a partner. In addition, I will call upon my own experience as a female and an experienced user of online dating sites to relate this back to real life. On this page, you will read some things that seem like common sense and some that might be new to you. I hope that all of these are helpful.
oktori's okcupid
e-mail oktori
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"Hey....wow I have never seen a more detailed profile other then yours since I've been on this site...its really informative."
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"Thanks for all of the info... Ill work on myself a bit more"
"I have to say, reading your profile was like reading a book. It was definitely entertaining and I'd like to think i learned a thing or two."
"I just read your profile and i found it to very helpful thank you!"
"Hey you have a lot of advice to offer, I'm going to save your profile. It is nice to find some extra tips from something other than a chart. Thanks!"
"I just read your profile and I thought it was great!"
"I just wanted to take a second and say thank you. I read every word in your profile and I think its great that you took the time to put something together like that. Hopefully i can learn something from it. :)"
"Well I see everywhere I've went wrong. Thanks for the tips. I'm sure everything will come together now! Thanks a lot..."
"I find your profile very helpful and will be on it now and again for sure. You should definitely make a youtube account for this. You are more thorough then any other person/article I have read. I think you are great at analyzing and very detail oriented which is awesome."
"I just messaged a girl that was into movies so I gave her a website of new trailers. Thank you so much! You're amazing!"
"Thank you soooo much! You rock."
"Your tips are awesome! Haha our match % is so low, I seriously can't even remember how I found you... but I appreciate you looking out for other okcupid users :) Just sayin', you rock."
"Hey....wow I have never seen a more detailed profile other then yours since I've been on this site...its really informative."
"Interesting profile. I agree with a lot of what you have to say."
"Thanks for all of the info... Ill work on myself a bit more"
"I have to say, reading your profile was like reading a book. It was definitely entertaining and I'd like to think i learned a thing or two."
"I just read your profile and i found it to very helpful thank you!"
"Hey you have a lot of advice to offer, I'm going to save your profile. It is nice to find some extra tips from something other than a chart. Thanks!"
"I just read your profile and I thought it was great!"
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