1.  Why did you create this blog and OkCupid profile?-I think being genuinely fed up with the kinds of messages I was receiving was my primary motivation for doing this. I would get so fed up at every copied and pasted message etc., that I would deactivate my profile. What's the good in that? Therefore, I came back on and decided I could maybe save some other girls the trouble, while helping people put their best foot forward. 

2.  Can you tell me how to fix my profile?
-Sure I can, I do it all the time.  But first, I need to see that you have read this page and made some changes.  After that, feel free to drop me a message and I will take a look.

3.  Are you single and looking, or just full of advice?
-At this time, my profile is simply there to assist.  

4.  How do I know if it's my messages or my profile that needs work?
-Send me a few of your best messages that you've sent.  If I can see your best work AND your profile, I'll be able to figure out where you need to focus your energy.

5.  Why is your OkCupid profile so long? No one is ever going to read it.
- It's long because everything on it is important.  This blog should make it easier for you to find what you are looking for, however, many people do sit down and give it all a read through.

6.  I've done everything you said, why am I still single?
- I can do the best that I can to help you. But, I will never be able to identify whether you are messaging the right kinds of people for you, or know what your chemistry is like on that first date.  Know that these things DO take time, and new people make profiles every day.  You never know when the right person is going to find online dating, so stay focused and patient. "Good things come to those who wait."

7.  What about sites other than OkCupid?
Many people who utilize OkCupid also use other free dating websites.  I have spent time on Plenty of fish and have found it to be less comprehensive than OkCupid.  POF has more people, so you are more likely to get messages. However, it also takes a lot less time to fill out a profile, and tends to attract less serious daters or people who are just seeing what's out there. You'll also get a lot of messages at the beginning, but they do slow down over time. I always say that OkCupid is far superior because of the match percentage feature. It was created by Harvard grads using mathematical algorithms to predict the people you are most compatible with. It's science, and it works.

This is geared toward females, but a lot of this advice works for guys too.  If you have any questions about whether something applies, leave a comment and I'll clarify.

I have decided to take a second to address why your use of language may be hurting you in the world of online dating.

1.  My first shout out is to those of you with wide and expansive vocabularies who probably write excellent research papers.  I personally can appreciate a strict and structured paragraph with verbage I need to verify with Webster.  However, most people don't. While still showing off your intellect, you also need to remember to be personable and friendly. You wouldn't approach someone acting uptight, so try to keep it a little more casual.
2. My second shout out is to those of you that don't care about your vocabulary.  In fact, you find reading this blog a pain in the ass and wish I would stop being so formal. My guess is that you write your messages like that too, and don't give a shit whether your spelling is right or wrong, or where you should put a comma.  Try taking some more time to make your messages look more like they belong in the English language.  Just because you don't think it's important, the woman of your dreams might. She might pass you up at the first message because she thinks you're too lazy to write her a good one.  If you want someone to take the time and effort to write you a quality message, you have to write one too.

In the technological world we live in, it has become well-accepted that we creep on each other.  Facebook has made it even easier to stalk people with features like checking in and the ability to tag others when we are out and about with them.  This is good for online dating, and today I would like to address what I call "acceptable creeping" when you are dealing with someone you have met online.

My first form of acceptable creeping comes in the form of creating an entirely new profile.  Don't run yet, hear me out.  This profile is going to be for those of you who are more modest, and don't want the world to know how you feel about personal issues or the details of what you have or haven't done in your sex life.  When I want to see someone else's answers on their match questions, but don't want to share my answer with the world, I defer to my second profile.  This is a profile with nothing on it, that I essentially use to answer questions I would never want associated with me.  I can satisfy my curiosity and find out what a match thinks, without sacrificing what I think.

My second form of acceptable creeping is actually not acceptable, but mandatory.  You absolutely must do this.  Before you meet anyone, do your homework.  Get their full name, and do a web search.  Things like newspaper articles about crimes committed can be of much help to you, and I would certainly like to know if my potential date was a suspect in a robbery.  You think I'm joking?  I've actually seen it happen.  Get the back story.  If the things someone is telling you don't make sense, question them.

My third form of acceptable creeping is to get someone's facebook profile.  Other than the obvious benefits, here are some others.  If you go back far enough, you can usually find some evidence of someone's past relationships.  If there is a facebook wall full of drama, is that something you really want to be involved with? You could find that your match likes to post every detail of their personal life in a facebook status. In fact, you could find they are already posting lyrics to love songs about you! (Run.)  Make as much use of this as you can, because we all know facebook is the window into most people's lives anymore.

My last form of acceptable creeping is one you are going to have to do with your match once/before things get serious.  I encourage you to creep into their sexual history.  Now, I DO NOT mean you should be messaging ex partners and asking them if they are into BDSM.  What I do mean, is that you can't trust a stranger you know nothing about.  To the realities:

• 80% of people who have a sexually transmitted disease experience no noticeable symptoms.
• 1 in 4 people have genital herpes, an INCURABLE STD, and up to 90 percent of people don't know they have it.  You can contract it without the other person having any visible signs of an outbreak, due to asymptomatic viral shedding.
• 1 in 4 college students has an STD.
• Each year approximately 19 million additional people are infected with an STD and over 50% of these are coming from teenagers and young adults, aged 15-24.

Have you received advice from OkTori or OkLarissa and want to share your success story?  Please email your story and/or picture of you and your date to oktoristutorials@gmail.com!

It's no secret that you can send out tons of messages to potential matches and not get any responses.  The most important thing to remember when this happens, is that it's not necessarily about you.  Sometimes we focus so much on saying that right thing, that we think the lack of response means we blew it ("Not again!?").  I think it's necessary to consider that there is a lot more to the process, and that you can't let it get you down.  Here are some scenarios to consider:

• The person you messaged was hitting it off with someone else.  It doesn't mean you didn't send a great message or have a really stellar profile.  Someone else just got there first.
• The person you messaged isn't serious about online dating or just made their profile to see what's out there.
• The person you messaged is overly picky, and therefore, probably not the right person for you anyway.
• You just don't fit their wants physically.  Again, you could have a great profile and message, but if you're just not what their looking for (whether it be body type, hair color, whatever), you're not going to get a message.  In which case, pardon me, screw them! 
• The person you messaged doesn't feel you are compatible.  Personal story:  I once got a message from a guy that I would normally talk to, but didn't message him when I found out his favorite hobby.  This particular hobby drove me crazy in a previous relationship, and I really couldn't imagine myself dealing with that again.  I passed him up. My loss? Maybe, but if I had to sit around watching grown men play Warhammer for hours ever again, I might lose my mind.

Hi all,

I am happy to do profile reviews for those of you that would like more personalized advice on your profiles.  Before I do this, it would be helpful if you did a read-through of my blog or profile and see if you can spot any improvements you think you should make first.  This way, I can avoid giving more general and broad suggestions and give you a more detailed analysis.

Feel free to send me a message @ BL11Tori on Okcupid to request a review.

Best,
OkTori

Recently, I've come across a good deal of profiles and messages where in their efforts for success, people are actually working against themselves. Here's an example:
"P.s Sorry for lack of smoothness I'm pretty sucky at this kind of thing, probably why I am on this site to begin with."
-When I read things like this, my first thought is that I don't understand why you wrote this. Even if your message didn't make you seem like the best flirt or smoothest person, why would you point that out? I might not even have noticed. But by pointing out your flaws, you guarantee that I notice and set yourself up to be judged. Also, not every person is looking for a smooth operator. Some are just looking for someone who is genuine and honest, not someone who can talk their way into your pants.
This line of thinking applies to profiles too. If you're not the best at something, don't talk about it. I can't say it enough, but we want to know what you're good at. If you're not confident in your dating abilities, fake it. I'm not saying lie, but your best bet is to act like you've got it together. Confidence can go a long way (feigned included).

A BIG NO-NO: I strongly recommend not writing on your profile that you are embarassed of being on an online dating site, no matter how true it is. Every time I used to read that, it got me thinking, "Maybe I should be embarrassed? Maybe people really are going to think there's something wrong with me." The last thing in the world that you want to do is make a girl feel self-conscious. That's a pretty quick way for someone to lose interest. It also makes you look better if you display confidence in the fact that you are on here, and you don't care what people think. Chances are, we are all a little uncomfortable with being on a dating site, but the faster we all accept it and move on, the faster we can get serious about finding what we are looking for (which gets you off the dating site=win/win).

One question I have been getting that I never gave much thought to as a female is about finding the right time to take your new friendship/blossoming relationship offline. After reviewing what I have found to work, I would like to share it with you. Take notes, get a post-it, tell it to Siri, but don’t forget it: Skype, skype, skype.
Here’s why:
I actually don't meet anyone from online unless I Skype with them first. It is the fastest way to determine whether you click with someone before you actually go out and meet them. I originally started doing it because you never know what creeper is on the other side of the screen, but it turned out to have other benefits. It makes the first date a lot more comfortable in my experience. People tend to be less nervous and can focus more on just having a good time together and less on saying the wrong thing. Helps weed out the socially awkward too, who can type all day long but can't carry on a basic conversation, never mind an intelligent one. I recommend it to people frequently on here, and it seems to help bridge the gap between when to take it offline. It's casual, you're in your own comfortable environment, and it's just all around great for taking the pressure off for when it really counts.

Aside from including Skype into your routine, here are some other suggestions:
1. Leave it online for a while-I KNOW that we are impatient and waiting for messages back and forth on this website is a pain in the ass, and giving someone your number can avoid all the inconvenience. Don’t. In a smartphone society, the Okcupid app makes communication faster and easier, and if someone is into you they will find a way. I recommend waiting at least a week before giving someone your number. This benefits you too, because you don’t want to be handing crazies your contact information before you have talked long enough for them to tell you that they see dead people.
2. Establish a good sense of who this person is before you meet them. It’s a scary world, and even as a guy you need to be concerned. I had a friend who was talking to someone she was very interested in, but found out he was convicted for driving the getaway car in a string of convenience store robberies. GOOGLE people, just do it. When you do meet them, I recommend that is precisely what you do. Meet them somewhere, don’t pick them up. I know this seems to spoil the romance, but I’m sure you’d rather bring the flowers to the restaurant than have them on your grave because you let someone with bad intentions in your car.
3. Go with what feels right. You should have a gut instinct, and if you aren’t sure if it’s the right time, then it’s probably not.

One suggestion I have found myself offering overwhelmingly for profiles would be to switch up "The six things I could never live without" section. If I had a dollar for every time I read food, water, air, family, friends, phone.... you get it. These answers are generic (not to mention obvious) and do not tell me anything more about what you value or what makes you unique.

Use this section to highlight your personal interests or passions. For example:

"1. My surfboard- Surfing keeps me sane, and is the best outlet for me to get away from the pressures of the world and relax.
2. Coffee- My co-workers always joke about not being able to talk to me in the morning until I've had a cup :)
3. My ipad- I use this thing constantly, for work and play. I can do without it, but it's great for productivity and helping me stay connected. (We can facetime!)
....."

Do you see the difference? Just as you would with every other section of your profile, use this one to highlight what makes you great, not what necessities keep you (and everyone else) alive.

Okcupid doesn't encourage you to answer a number of match questions for no reason. These percentages arise from mathematical algorithms developed by Harvard grads working for Okcupid.  And from my experience, these questions do an AMAZING job at predicting who you are most compatible with, and put this site above POF anyday. I caution you that some people may not have answered enough questions to give you a satisfactory rating, so keep that in mind. However, if both you and the person you are messaging have answered a significant number of questions and your match percentage is LOW--why are you messaging them? Often, I get messages from people with match percentages so low I don't even know how they found me. I find myself thinking "WHY would you even bother?" A low match percentage indicates low compatibility on topics that serve as the foundation for successful relationships. If you can't agree on the simple things, how do you think you would do when faced with a real challenge? A word for the wise- trust your match percentage, and let it guide you toward the right people.

THE PHOTOS:
Hot damn, this section does not receive enough attention. Here are some common photo mistakes that are easy enough to improve upon:
Everyone else. You may not think it’s all that important what the other people in your profile look like, but it does. Many guys think that having a photo surrounded by women arouses the competitive nature of females. We see a ton of women around a gorgeous guy and think “Oh no, he’s MINE.” This is true sometimes, but is not always the case. We might think you’re a manwhore (sorry) or even feel intimidated. If you like to surround yourself with scantily clad females, there’s no way you could ever like a conservative girl (even if she is smokin’ hot). Female self esteem is not always through the roof.
Another biggie is NO ALCOHOL. If you are holding a drink in every picture, you are an advertisement for alcoholism and problems associated with it. We all know that we make mistakes when we are drunk, and if you’re always drinking you might be more likely to bring the drama. These are small, subtle messages that we don’t always realize we are sending.

Tori’s Top 5 Tips for Attractive Photos:
1. Always include one headshot. Even if you aren’t super built, tan, whatever, everyone loves an attractive face.
2. Keep conscious of the surroundings in your picture.
3. Include a photo of yourself doing what you love to do. Try to avoid this being a hobby that is kind of strange (like larping).
4. Include a photo of what you look like on an average day. Pictures of you in a tux are great, and do include those. But we also want to know what you look like when you’re just being you. At least one full-body shot is crucial. If you leave it out, people will think you have something to hide. If you do have something to hide, try at least from the waist up.
5. Avoid weird angles, awkward lighting, and strange faces. From the time we are babies, we are hard wired to respond to smiles (and to smile back). It’s okay (and encouraged) to have varying pictures that include ones without a smile, but psychology research would suggest smiling pictures are beneficial.

The founder of OkCupid appeared on Rachael Ray discussing what they have found works best for pictures. Check it out for more information:

THE PROFILE:
As important as the first message is, the information on your profile is what we are going to use to size you up. We would love to think that we are a judgment free zone, but without knowing the person, we can only use what we have available to decide if you are someone we want to connect with.

Here are some things I have seen from my own experience that were huge turn offs. The first one I will call “The Problems”:

Emotional brokenness, psychiatric illness, addictions, strange and frightening interests, all of these can be found without much of a struggle on online dating websites. Yes, you did just move out of mom's house, but you forgot to mention it was to a halfway house. Oh, you're brand new to online dating? That's because you're desperately searching for someone to fill the gaping hole your girlfriend of 4 years left when she dumped you 3 days ago. That degree in accounting? You're hoping that will help you manage your gambling problem. So when to disclose this stuff? This is tricky. My recommendation is NOT to put it right on your profile unless you think it is going to seriously affect your potential relationship. For example, I have seen people disclose things from foot fetishes to mental disorders. After getting to know a person, there are some things that people can learn to overlook. For example, if you have major depression but you are on medication and it is well managed, I could probably overlook that because it won’t cause any huge problems. But if you have a foot fetish and are going to want me to engage in strange behaviors, some people can’t see past that. Therefore, something like that you might want to say on your profile. If you're afraid people aren’t going to give you a chance, then they aren't someone you would want to be with anyway. If you wait too long, they might send you packing just because they feel duped. Therefore, honesty is the best policy, and waiting until 5 minutes before you're about to meet the person is NOT the best time to tell them that you're an alcoholic and were hoping they'd drive you home after dinner and drinks.

Another thing that’s important to focus on is the section about what you’re looking for. You're looking for the one that's right for you? That's great, but that doesn't help us much in identifying if we are someone you would be interested in. Sure, it can appear that we have similar interests, but if you'll only date brunettes, athletes, or girls who are out at the club every night, you should specify this. Save us the time of sending you a thoughtful message you are going to ignore without clicking on our profile, because blondes or redheads aren't really your type.

Here's something else I see a lot of that I'd like to add:
"Music: Tool, Limp Bizkit, Korn, Staind, Slipknot, Deftones, Pantera, A Perfect Circle, Alice In Chains, Adema, 40 Below Summer, Bloodsimple, Bleed The Sky, Breaking Benjamin, Chevelle, Buckethead, Dream Theater, Cold, Crossfade, Damageplan, Dear Enemy, Default, Demon Hunter, Devil Driver, Divine Heresy, Disturbed, Down, Drowning Pool, Dry Kill Logic, Fear Factory, Five Finger Death Punch, Flaw, Hatebreed, Killswitch Engage, Candiria, ill Nino, In Flames, Karnivool, Lamb Of God, Machine Head, Metallica, Mercenary, Mudvayne, Misery Signals, Motograter, Modest Mouse, Mushroomhead, Nothingface, Nickelback, Nirvana, The Offspring, Otep, Opeth, Ozzy Osbourne, Parkway Drive, Papa Roach, P.O.D., Puddle Of Mudd, Rammstein, Reveille, Saliva, Seether, Stone Sour, Sevendust, Skrape, Snot, Soil, Soilwork, Soundgarden, Silverchair, Stereomud, Sum 41, System Of A Down, Taproot, Throwdown, Volbeat THERES TO MANY"
******OK, here's the point. In case you are wondering, neither myself or anyone else is ever going to sit and read this, or your similar list of movies, shows, or food. In fact, in a situation like this, less is sometimes more. If you keep it simple and list a genre or two that you're into, matches can use that in a message to start a conversation. Ex. -"I saw you're really into rap, did you know Drake is coming to the Prudential Center this month?" If something is your absolute favorite artist/show/movie of all time, feel free to throw it on there! I just wouldn't list more than five. If you just can't narrow it down, stick with simplicity.

This is the section that I am going to give the most attention to. I cannot tell you how many potential matches I have passed over because the message they sent was a huge turn off. Let me first share a few of my own experiences. The biggest offender in poor message sending used to be any of the following or their derivatives:

“hey”; “hey wats up”; “hey ur rlly pretty wanna chat sometime.”

These are clearly a problem. They don’t show that you’ve read a single thing on my profile, or even know anything about me! I have written a fair amount on my profile, not for my health, but for you to decide if we are compatible. Sure, it’s nice to know that you find me attractive and that indicates that you’ve looked at my pictures. If you are looking to check out pictures of attractive ladies, try HotorNot. We want serious daters here.

You may have noticed that I said that used to be the biggest offender. Here is the brand spanking new biggest message offender from my personal experience: the cookie cutter message. What is this precisely? This is the message that you send to every single girl on here, copied and pasted repeatedly, usually a big paragraph selling yourself. They typically include some sort of lame pickup line, and a sentence at the end about messaging you back if she’s interested. Is this you? Here’s why you’re not getting anywhere with this message:

Similar to the last tip, this also shows no indication that you’re read my profile. We have explored why this is problematic. This message shows even LESS effort, because you couldn’t even bother to type one letter, but copied and pasted it. Equate this message to sending out the same cover letter and resume to 20 different companies you might be interested in and seeing which one will respond. Your potential employer probably can tell that your cover letter is generic and that you actually don’t find the company all that special. This is the same with your matches. We want to feel special, like you picked us out of a big sea of single ladies and thought “Man, she could be perfect for me.” Your generic, cookie cutter message says to us: “Here’s a big paragraph all about me, and why you should like me. You might find my lame pickup line funny, cause I think its hilarious. If you think everything you just read about me is as great as I do, message me back.” The worst part about this, is that if you DO receive a message back, the only thing she can say is to talk about you some more, because that is all you have given her to respond to. Even if you aren’t conceited, it will make you appear so.

Speaking of conceited, this brings me to my next blunder. I once received a message from a guy that went something like this:

“You are local to me, which is great. I really didn’t think my town had anything to offer. Your goals in life are great. More about me though…”

This was just a snippet, but I think you get the idea. This message was horrifyingly laughable. Instead of being engaging, asking questions, or anything genuine, this guy chose to list all the things about me that were convenient for him, and essentially said “Yeah, I’ll tell you I’m impressed by what you’re doing with your life, but what I really want to do is talk about me.” Don’t get this confused with talking yourself up by focusing on your positive assets. These are two different things.

The last thing I really want to address is spelling and grammar. Don’t sell yourself short! Typos and poor grammar makes you look careless and lazy, which I know you’re not. Would you want to watch a movie with actors who decided not to memorize their lines right, or listen to a song where the artist kept forgetting the words? Probably not. My point is that even if you really are a catch, if you present yourself poorly people aren’t going to take you seriously. Take the time to spell check and write proper sentences. I promise you, it can go a long way.

To sum it up, here are Tori’s Top 5 Tips for Successful Messaging:
1. Read his/her profile, and reference it in the first message.
2. Spell check, grammar check, no texting abbreviations!
3. Ask questions.
4. Forget the pickup lines and express genuine interest.
5. Rule of Thumb: If you wouldn’t say it in person, don’t say it online!